Breakaway

[whatarewordsfor]

There's a frightening element that goes along with change. Going along with what YOU want to do... Not what anyone else thinks you SHOULD do. Not taking anything you've learned or been conditioned to think into consideration. And just striking forward, feeling for the first time in perhaps years, that you are doing just what you should be, not because anyone else approves, but because YOU approve.

Letting go of the fear of "Oh my god, what's gonna happen, what's he going to think, what's she going to think, what are THEY going to think..." Ah fuck. I don't care what they think... I know what I want right now and right now what I want matters. And mean it.

It really matters. Life is fleeting and uncertain and short. What do I want? It matters. It doesn't matter why I want it. I don't need to analyze or justify. It's just what I want. And I have the right to want. And I have the right to pursue whatever that is, and I have the right to change my mind about what I want and I don't need to hang on to it, just cause I said I wanted it with all my heart and soul and everything in my core being.

I don't know.

Maybe I do.

Maybe I'm feeling guilty which is why I'm writing a note to myself saying, "It's what you want and you know it."

I wanted it done. I wanted the weight to drop. I wanted the ties to unbind and I wanted to feel free. Truly. It's only the conditioning that stops the feeling of freedom. Stupid stupid conditioning.

White stripes on black fingernails. Cause I felt like it. So I thought he was angry and I decided I couldn't deal and snarled and shut up and stormed off. And then he says, "no, I'm just jealous." I can understand that. That goes over so much better than snarkiness. But it only comes out after I harness my inner bitch and tell him to quit fucking whining about it. I guess it works. No apologies necessary. This is the way it is, this is what we decided, I like it this way, you said you did too. Now deal. And respect me for feeling this way.

It works. It works Miss C. You were right, but it is hard to spew what you're thinking and note how bitchy it sounds. But you're so right.

I know Jealousy. I've been Jealousy's little bitch. I've done psychological horrors in the name of Jealousy. I've bent over and taken it dry and let it use me to further its agenda. And then I thought, I don't want to be anyone's bitch, let alone an emotion's bitch. Or is Jealousy a behavior? I don't know. But I know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, which is what I had with Jealousy. I couldn't be my own person. I had to check with Jealousy first. And all the things and insecurites behid it and the secrets that it makes you keep. But the first step is telling on it. Tell someone it's abusing you. Tell the person it wants you to destroy about it. Then you destroy IT. You open the door on it. You expose it with its pants down, insecurity flapping limp in the wind. That's Jealousy. And now you see it for what it is. And another day comes and goes and you've escaped its stupid clutches once again. It's so hard to admit you're taking it in the ass from Jealousy. It's dragging you off into the closet and threatening you with harm if you tell. Then it tells you it loves you as you sit there, violated and alone. And you keep its secret. And it keeps on raping you until you finally say enough and open the door. And you see how weak it is, and how strong you really are.

Squeak.